I Once Was Wandering, and Now I'm Found

Do you ever feel like sometimes you took the long way to get somewhere? That was last year (or ten) for me! But, if you're lucky, you survive and learn a lot along the way. I definitely learned a lot about myself and what is important to me. I don't know if I would have the sense of direction I do now if I didn't go through those things.

For months, I thought I was going into business with a friend. I was desperate to find something I could pour myself into, and to build something for myself. To make a long story short, the situation turned out not to be what I thought it was going to be, and I had to step away to reevaluate what I wanted. At the time, I was crushed. But, it helped me realize something-I need to be my own boss. I need to be in charge of my own future, have the freedom to create and use my talents while moving things in the direction I want to go. The older I get, the harder it has become to take orders from others. I love to learn and finish tasks, but I need more. I need to feel fulfilled.

And so, I did the least responsible thing in June-I quit my job I had at the time and went on vacation! (To justify my actions, it was a road trip with my life-long friend to my other best's friend's wedding-I couldn't miss that!) I was able to camp in the beautiful Rockies, spend time with the people that have known me the longest and best, and revitalize my spirit. With many hours on the road, Cassie and I got to share our future dreams and brainstorm new ideas while cruising through breathtaking landscapes.

When I got home, I felt like I hit the ground running. I made things and vended at markets throughout the summer. I spent hours and hours arranging and transcribing music. I played a lot of shows and weddings with my bands. I got so organized with one band, that I was even making spreadsheets of our tunes, songs left to learn, our earnings for the year, etc. For someone that has had the life-long reputation of being a messy artist, this was an accomplishment for me. I wondered,"If I can do this for my band, why don't I do it for myself?"

The summer had been driven by music, friends, and fun! But, the changing of seasons came with a lot of other changes as well. My band mates got busy with their careers, and the other bands I participated in wanted to switch gears to songwriting and recording, so the gigs quickly dissipated. Sometimes it's hard being a musician. If you are not gigging regularly, recording, touring, and/or teaching, you generally have to have some other way to support yourself. So, at the end of the summer, I was feeling lost again.

I was feeling lost until I realized that I needed to look within. The past 10+ years, I have been running, doing so many things, and trying to juggle them all. I went to school and got my degree for Music Education, but wasn't sure I wanted to teach. I've worked at coffee shops, a flower shop, a food truck. I have, and continue to waitress. I have a hobby business that I always wanted to be more. I've painted, sewn, knit and crocheted, and made jewelry. I've done custom work. I've written songs and have been in numerous bands. That takes a lot of energy. Imagine if all that energy, instead of dispersed into numerous things, was channeled into one idea. I thought of why I am on this planet. I thought of my "why don't I get my own life this organized?" moment. I thought of the things I could accomplish with focus and self-discipline. I thought of my need to be my own boss. I thought of not wanting to waste my gifts, but instead, sharing them with the world and hopefully inspiring people. I thought of all the possibilities, and finally, I was filled with hope again.

Whenever I hit a block in my mind, I try to look at it from a different angle. When I realized I wanted to focus on my own business, it was hard not to say to myself, "Yeah, you've been saying that for years!" But, had I not gone through all of these things over the last decade, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have all of those experiences under my belt. I have acquired many skills that will be of use to me. I have developed into the person I am today. While going through all these memories, I thought of a J.R.R. Tolkien quote. "Not all those who wander are lost."

Today, I have shared some of the road where I have been. Now, I look forward to sharing where I am going and putting my skills to use! I am so fired up about the future that some nights I can hardly sleep! A light has been lit, so I will follow that light. I will do what feels right and good. I will move forward, up, and out! Let the journey continue!

Fixing A Hole, A Car, An Attitude

Happy New Year! If you are reading this, you have made it to 2016-congratulations! I had a bit of a bumpy ride into this month, but I am more grateful and excited for what is to come now more than ever! Before I carry on telling you about my upcoming plans and goals, I'm going to catch you up on my holiday madness and how that has brought me to today.

The holidays always end up being a little stressful for me, as it does for many. Not only do I try to make a lot of my gifts, but it is also a great time to vend at craft fairs and make handmade items for others to give as gifts. After many years of knowing this is how it goes, I actually started working on my own gifts in November (I'm learning!). I vended at some markets in December and did really well. The evening before Christmas Eve, my man and I had dinner and opened presents with my immediate family. They all loved their gifts, and we had fun playing games after. But, it wasn't until we hit the road to northeastern North Dakota to visit family that it felt like we were on Christmas vacation. When growing up, we always drove on Christmas Eve to go visit family. This is a tradition I love.

Like any great road trip, we had the tunes rolling! The Beatles had just become available on Spotify, so Nolyn chose the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album. He told me about it being the first Beatles album he had heard many years ago and how it transformed the way he thought of music. They did things that had never done before and went outside the box. Of course, I had heard many of the hits from that particular album, but I really enjoyed hearing the less known tunes.

All was well in my car until we were about ten miles north of Rugby, ND. Out of nowhere, all the dashboard lights started to flash and my car was running really rough, pulsating and making horrible noises. We pulled over at the nearest turn-off and shut off the car. Something definitely wasn't right. The sun had gone down, and the temperature outside was dropping, and we were stranded. I remained calm on the outside, while I did my best to quiet the panicking voice inside. I stopped myself from the downward spiral of 'what ifs' by focusing on a quote from Nahko Bear song, "I believe in the good things coming." I knew we would get things figured out and everything would be okay.

To my surprise, three people stopped by in the short time we took to formulate a plan. The first man that offered help, who lived a quarter mile down the road from where we stopped, came back a second time to check on us. Not even wearing a coat, he took a look under the hood with us. He had a couple ideas what it could be, one of which was that one of the engine cylinders wasn't firing properly. We also checked the oil, which was low. In hopes that it would be an easy fix, he drove us back into town to pick up some oil. Stories were exchanged, and we learned about this kind stranger that took time away from his family to help us on Christmas Eve night. We got back to my car, put more oil in, but it sounded just as bad as before. So, Matt, our new friend, let us limp my car onto his land, so at least it would be off the highway and somewhat protected until we could figure out a towing situation. He invited us into his home to stay warm while we waited for a ride. (Luckily, just that day, Nolyn's sister and family decided to make the trip to Belcourt too, and were just an hour or so behind us.) We had a drink to warm up and continued to visit. As a token of gratitude, I gave him a framed art print that was intended for Nolyn's mom, but I felt the need to share something with him since he was more than generous with his time and opening his home to us. That piece opened up a whole new door, and he excitedly showed us some photography that his fiancée had taken. I was very impressed with her composition skills, and really capturing the feel and experiences of rural North Dakota. While going through her wonderful photo collection, our ride arrived to pick us up. It's funny, I had almost forgotten why we were there in the first place and that we needed to leave! Nolyn and I gathered our things, said our goodbyes, and were back en route to our original destination.

The rest of the drive, I was filled with with contentment. We were safe. We were warm. We were with family. We had a reaffirmed belief that there are still good people in the world. We had everything that we needed, and more! Those are the best gifts I could ever ask for!

We had a wonderful couple of days with Nolyn's mom. We enjoyed food, laughs, and time to relax. The frost on the trees was breath-taking. Time seemed to slow down. I was able to dive more into a book a new friend lent to me, A New Earth: Awakening Yur Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. He dissects the ego and the way we think, being conscious, and living in the present moment. I am only about a third through the book, and it has already transformed the way I look at things! I can't wait to read and learn more!

We were able to catch a ride back to Bismarck with Nolyn's brother-in-law's mother, who happened to be going that way the day we needed to get home. And for my car, my cousin's husband has a flatbed trailer, so he took time out of his day to drive all the way up to my car, load it up, and bring it back home to the dealership where I bought it. It sure is nice knowing people that are willing to help! Seriously, so grateful!

Singing my heart out! Photo credit: Lea Black

Once we got home, it was onto the next round of madness-NYE preparation. Much like Halloween and last New Year's Eve, four local bands got together for a big show, each playing a set, and then a collaborative set at the end. In only two rehearsals, we were able to put together eight new tunes, and brush up on a few past crowd-pleasers. I performed with three of the four bands, so it was a lot of music. I can't lie, it was a little stressful preparing for this big bash, but once you're on the stage and have those shining moments where you feel like you are exactly where you should be at that moment in time, it makes it all worth it. We had a great crowd, the energy was off the charts, and everyone involved really gave it their all. It's such a joy and privilege to play music with these people, and to call them friends! 

Forces combined!    Photo credit: Lea Black

New Year's Day was a great day! All responsibilities seemed to be complete, and there was time to breathe again. There was time to unwind while dreaming of what the new year will bring. I couldn't have been happier to have an entire day set aside to chill at home. I was so excited to be at home with no plans that I was even happy to do laundry! As I was loading the dryer, I asked Nolyn what was the last Beatles song we heard before we broke down. Neither of us could remember exactly, but he thought "Fixing A Hole". So, I pulled up the Sergeant Pepper album, found that song, and continued listening where we had left off before the holiday madness begin. It was an adventure, filled with a lot of help from many great people. And we survived, I am forever grateful!

"I'm taking the time for a number of things
That weren't important yesterday"

                     ~"Fixing A Hole"-The Beatles